My interview with Santa Clause

As some of you may remember I met the Easter Bunny last Easter. If you don't remember, just know that he came to me for career advice and has considered me his mentor ever since.

Well, as it turns out he is very good friends with Santa Clause, so he was nice enough to give me the big mans phone number.

At first Santa was none to thrilled that I called him. He said he was a busy man, especially with Christmas only being two months away. He told me he had a long list to get through and that he didn't have time for fans calling him up and interrupting his work.

I was shocked at some of the language he used as he was telling me all of this. I guess Santa gets very stressed out.

Once I could get a word in edge wise, I told him that I was good friends with the Easter Bunny. After hearing this he quickly apologized and said if I was a friend of the Easter Bunny ( AKA Fred) than I was a friend of his. Apparently, Fred helped him deliver presents the year before after he got way behind because some cheap bastards left out bad milk causing him to spend an hour with his head over the toilet . . . if you know what I mean.

Anyway, the reason I called Santa was because I needed his help. My siblings and I had decided to participate in "Operation Secret Santa 2008" and I wanted to make sure we would all be getting letters with detailed instructions of the rules and regulations. He said that he would put me on the list, but also asked me if I could take over as president of the board of directors for the project. Apparently the elf that usually runs that program received a job offer from "Keebler". It was an offer he couldn't refuse so he took it.

I was hesitant at first. I wasn't sure if I could just pick up and go to the North Pole for two months. Plus I have another job.

Santa assured me that he would work with my schedule, and that I didn't need to move to the North Pole because everything was done over the internet. He did however say he couldn't pay me due to the poor economic situation, but it would definitely look good on my resume.

I was happy to take the job. If I owe anybody anything it's Santa Clause. . . . I did however ask him for one thing . . . an exclusive interview.

He agreed, in fact he said he would love to do it. He was tired of all the rumors that were circulating about him. He wanted people to know the truth! He felt he could trust me to make sure none of his words were taken out of context.

So a few days ago I sat down with Santa Clause (via AOL instant messenger) and asked him the following questions.

Me :Thank you for joining me today Santa, lets get right to it! A lot of people out there give you a hard time because you only work one day a year, but I always tell them there is probably a lot of preparation involved. Is that true, or do you just work the one day?

Santa: Of course there's a lot of preparation involved! It's not all Milk and cookies over here! Sure, the elves do their fair share of the work, but they have to be managed. I have to make sure they all take their breaks on time, that they aren't stealing any of the toys they make . . . people see movies and they think these elves are just happy go lucky all the time, but there are problem employee's here, just like there are at any job. There is a lot of paperwork involved. I am also head of quality control, making sure the toys were not poorly made.

Not to mention the list I have to get through . . . TWICE! I don't even get the list until October 15th. Most people don't realize that they can be naughty from October 15th all the way until December 31st and I would never know about it.

Me: Does Rudolph's nose really give off enough light so you can see where you're going?

Santa: Well you have to remember, I only use him in foggy area's (Like San Francisco and Daly City), and you of all people should know that too much light in the fog can be a bad thing. So yes, his nose gives off the perfect amount of light.

Me: During my lifetime there have been a lot of questions about the whole "sliding down chimneys" as way of entrance. Is that really how you get into houses? What if they don't have a Chimney?

Santa: That's a funny story actually. One night . . . back in 1931 I think it was . . . I couldn't find my magic key, which works on every door in the world. I'm sure you can understand . . . people lose their keys sometimes you know? So anyway, I couldn't find it, but I couldn't just NOT give people their gifts. So I tried several things before actually resorting to the chimney.

I checked doors to see if they were unlocked, I tried going in through windows, I even tried just knocking . . . but nobody wants to answer their door in the middle of the night. Finally, I saw the chimney. . . and it dawned on me, maybe I could squeeze my way down there. Unfortunately, I could only get into the houses that had chimneys that year. Most people attribute the lack of gifts to the depression, but really, I had just misplaced my key. Long story short, some people saw me and took pictures. Now everyone thinks that is how I always get into every house.

Me: Wow, that is quite a story. Speaking of people seeing you . . . I used to wait up for hours hoping to run into you by the tree, but it never happened, I always fell asleep. Do you ever accidentally run into people?

Santa: Of course I do. Sometimes when I know people are still awake I have to wait on the roof for a while before landing on their front lawn. Occasionally I get lucky and they finally go to bed, but other times I just go in, do what I need to do, and before I leave I say something like, "You think I would leave you more gifts . . . I mean, it is YOUR dream." It works like 90% of the time. The other 10% of people that don't buy it tell their friends, but nobody ever believes them.

Me: Wow, so most people are pretty stupid huh?

Santa: No comment.

Me: Okay, this is a question I know everyone has wanted to ask you since they were little. . . How do you fit enough gifts for the entire world into the back of your sleigh?

Santa: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

Me: Try me.

Santa: Okay, here it goes: Have you ever seen "Honey I shrunk the kids"?

Me: Yeah sure . . . wait, you don't mea . . .

Santa: Yup . . . that movie is actually science NON-fiction.

Me: Wow! . . . Okay, well I don't want to take up to much more of your time, but I just have one last question. Do you ever get sick of Milk and Cookies?

Santa: Ho, Ho, ho, . . . Well, ever since last year, I do not drink milk! I prefer water, coffee, or red bull. As for cookies, I love them, I can't get enough . . . but Mrs. Clause doesn't let me eat them any other day of the year, so I look forward to the one night that I can eat them.

Me: Well, thank you very much for revealing some of the most unanswered questions about you today. I know you're a busy man and I appreciate the opportunity to finally sit down with you.

Santa: It was my pleasure.