Okay. So, on Friday night my roommates went to Nevada, A place they frequent even though both of them say they hated living there.They have been gone for 3 days now and are returning to night. I think. We kind of got into a big argument.
The point is, as soon as they left I began doing things I'm pretty sure I would never get away with when they are here.
I had one project in particular that took pretty much the entire weekend.
Most of you have never been here, so you don't know the hideousness that is our couch. Let's just say that the fabric is a material commonly used for comfortable pants. Well . . . we have this couch cover to disguise its ugliness, but about a month ago I got tired of using it because it always came loose . . . to the point of making it (the couch)look worse.
Okay, so as soon as they left I began to clean the (linen) closet because it had been driving me crazy since I got here. While I was cleaning it I came across the sofa cover I had come to loath, and tried to put it away neatly. Unfortunately it was harder to fold than a fitted sheet. In my frustration I decided to go ahead with an idea that a certain roommate wouldn't let me do before.
The idea was this: I would cut it into pieces and sew it directly onto the couch in order to prevent movement. Of course as most of you know, ideas always sound much better, and more importantly, easier, in theory. But I had to do it, and this was my only chance. With both roommates gone and no chance of them returning any time soon I felt . . . INVINCIBLE! Yeah I said it! No one to tell me what I could and couldn't do to THEIR property! MUAHAHAHAHA.
I began my mission by going to the store to buy thread and needles. When I was ready to begin the sewing process, I knew it was going to be difficult, as I had tried several times (unsuccessfully) to repair my own pants. But I was determined.
Sometimes you start something determined and remain that way the entire time. That was not the case this time. After about two hours and only 6 inches of sewing completed I was ready to give up. Unfortunately I knew that wasn't an option. Damage had already been done and I couldn't just let myself fail. Why you ask? One Main Reason . . . I couldn't take the ugly couch in our living room anymore.(****)
Instead of continuing with my terrible sewing job, I decided to find another way. Than I remembered the gorilla glue in my closet (mostly because I had just cleaned said closet out).
Don't panic, I didn't use the gorilla glue, mostly because it said it ruined fabric . . . but there were other reasons too (okay, no there weren't).
However, I thought that if there was a glue out there that a friend of mine used to hold his boat together, than there must be one for something as simple as fabric.
However the search would have to wait. It was 3 am in the morning at this point, and I was pretty sure Joanne's fabric store was closed.
The next morning . . . okay afternoon (hey I went to bed at like 4am) . . . I headed to the aforementioned store, in an even more determined state than the night before,to get supplies.
Well GUESS WHAT? I found what I will now forever refer to as "a miracle in a bottle". Some people call it "Liquid Stitch". I bought a couple bottles and headed home.
Don't get me wrong, when I first bought it I wasn't sure that it was "a miracle in a bottle". So I did a little research on the stuff. No, I didn't use the stupid internet . . . I called my mommy.
She said that it was normally used for patchwork or quilting or something. I don't remember the exact details of this conversation.
I knew at this point that there would have to be more sewing involved . . . or would there? I began gluing the fabric to the couch. It said it would take a half hour to dry, so I glued and waited. Passing the time with episodes of "NewsRadio" of course.
Once the glue was dry, I tested it by pulling the fabric . . . at first just a little bit, than a little more, and than with half my might (hey, sitting down is hardly the equivalent of pulling on the fabric with ALL your might) . . . it worked.
Because my laziness usually exceeds my potential, I took this as a sign that there would be no more need for sewing!
Two days later the couch is finished, and while I feel the glue will hold, only time and constantly sitting on the couch will tell. It doesn't really matter though . . . I'm pretty sure nothing I've done could possibly make the couch any uglier than it already was.(&&)
(****) As most of you know I used to live with my older younger(#) sister and I've realized over the last three months that her obsessive need for things to look nice and be clean as well rubbed off on to me a little more than I would have liked. I'm pretty sure I can be diagnosed with O.C.D. now. But whatever, better than living in a mess.
(&&) I know I said the couch is (was) ugly, but I would like to clarify that although this is true, the couch is also very comfortable.
(#)Older than me, younger than my oldest sister.
Until next time . . .
Monday, January 5, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Overwhelming
The urge to post at 2:39 in the morning is overwhelming right now. So here I am, posting, at 2:39ish in the morning.
Why this overwhelming need to post?
I just feel the need to share my wisdom with the world . . . or in this case the 6 different, possibly 7, people that read this blog.
Have you ever bought too many good CD's at once only to find yourself torn between which one to listen to on your way to work? I'm not going to lie, it's rough! And it's an inner struggle I face every morning when I get into the car. The only thing worse than too much good music, is none.
You know what I mean? You're sick of all your CD's, and even when you put in one you haven't listened too in what seems like forever, it still doesn't fill the void.
I would, at this point like to acknowledge my brother, who brought this up in a long car ride home not so long ago.
But I know we have all felt that pain.
Another thing I have struggled with these last few days is this: SCENARIO: I'm really tired. . . can barely keep my eyes open. . . lying in bed. . . desperate for sleep . . . and yet. . . I want . . . NAY. . . NEED to watch just one more episode of NewsRadio. So i give in to my desires for said episode . . . but wait . . . I must watch just one more! The battle between sleep or just one more episode goes on and on . . . until . . . CRAP, it's almost time to get up for work! BUT I STILL WANT TO WATCH JUST ONE MORE EPISODE! OKAY, okay, I'll call in sick, but just this once.
*Don't worry folks, the last part of that paragraph was exaggerated a little bit. I never called in sick . . . I just didn't show up at all.
At this point in my post I would like to announce My newest business idea. I know most of you will agree that it is great. Okay, here it goes . . . t-shirts . . . wait for it . . . little bit longer . . . THAT LOOK LIKE BOWLING SHIRTS!
They were a huge hit at Christmas.
I would now like to apologize to my brothers girlfriend who has not received hers yet. Don't worry, you will be able to buy one soon for only $19.95 . . . $24.95 if you want your name on it.
It's time to do some thanking. Christmas was about a week ago, and let me just say . . . I raked in some good stuff this year.
First and foremost I would like to thank my older sister, not the oldest one, although she will be thanked shortly, but my older younger one. She made me an awesome sign that said "Will Work 4 Red Bull". Currently it is hanging on my bedroom door, but I'm sure that someday, not too long from now, you will find me with it on street corners.
Next of course is my Oldest Older sister who also gave me several wonderful gifts: A pen that says it floats on the box, but actually sort of just sits in place . . . not that I don't love it, 2 stuffed hippo's (a girl and a boy of course) which I most regrettably left at my parents house . . . (along with the pen). . . but should have soon enough once my mom sends them to me, a calendar, a lovely star she handmade with what seems to be cardboard and a pound of glitter . . . I love it . . . and I think that was it . . . forgive me if I've forgotten anything.
My Parents always get me wonderful gifts of course. This year I received a set of pajamas, a snuggie (if you don't know what that is, look it up. "I Shouldn't be Doing This, and Other Things That Strike Me as Funny" a book by Bob Newhart. A t-shirt with a cat face on it, a cool puzzle . . . and . . . ummm . . . I'm blanking here, that might have been all, and I feel terrible for forgetting, but they have 4 kids so i doubt they will remember either.
And Last but not least My secret Santa, some also refer to him as my brother. He picked a load of good things, My personal favorite was a Steve Carell bobblehead. But all of them were good really. There was trivial pursuit, two versions if you count the one I stole from him, several pairs of scrubs, books (some from his girlfriend, as well as recommended by her), and of course the entire series of NewsRadio.
I love all my gifts, even the ones I possibly forgot to list. SO THANK YOU. ( Just so you know, this is sort of my thank you card, so don't be expecting one in the mail).
All right, wisdom shared.
Nighty Night!
*I'm sure most of you understand me and my sarcasm well enough to know that I have not missed any work due to a television program I own on DVD.
Why this overwhelming need to post?
I just feel the need to share my wisdom with the world . . . or in this case the 6 different, possibly 7, people that read this blog.
Have you ever bought too many good CD's at once only to find yourself torn between which one to listen to on your way to work? I'm not going to lie, it's rough! And it's an inner struggle I face every morning when I get into the car. The only thing worse than too much good music, is none.
You know what I mean? You're sick of all your CD's, and even when you put in one you haven't listened too in what seems like forever, it still doesn't fill the void.
I would, at this point like to acknowledge my brother, who brought this up in a long car ride home not so long ago.
But I know we have all felt that pain.
Another thing I have struggled with these last few days is this: SCENARIO: I'm really tired. . . can barely keep my eyes open. . . lying in bed. . . desperate for sleep . . . and yet. . . I want . . . NAY. . . NEED to watch just one more episode of NewsRadio. So i give in to my desires for said episode . . . but wait . . . I must watch just one more! The battle between sleep or just one more episode goes on and on . . . until . . . CRAP, it's almost time to get up for work! BUT I STILL WANT TO WATCH JUST ONE MORE EPISODE! OKAY, okay, I'll call in sick, but just this once.
*Don't worry folks, the last part of that paragraph was exaggerated a little bit. I never called in sick . . . I just didn't show up at all.
At this point in my post I would like to announce My newest business idea. I know most of you will agree that it is great. Okay, here it goes . . . t-shirts . . . wait for it . . . little bit longer . . . THAT LOOK LIKE BOWLING SHIRTS!
They were a huge hit at Christmas.
I would now like to apologize to my brothers girlfriend who has not received hers yet. Don't worry, you will be able to buy one soon for only $19.95 . . . $24.95 if you want your name on it.
It's time to do some thanking. Christmas was about a week ago, and let me just say . . . I raked in some good stuff this year.
First and foremost I would like to thank my older sister, not the oldest one, although she will be thanked shortly, but my older younger one. She made me an awesome sign that said "Will Work 4 Red Bull". Currently it is hanging on my bedroom door, but I'm sure that someday, not too long from now, you will find me with it on street corners.
Next of course is my Oldest Older sister who also gave me several wonderful gifts: A pen that says it floats on the box, but actually sort of just sits in place . . . not that I don't love it, 2 stuffed hippo's (a girl and a boy of course) which I most regrettably left at my parents house . . . (along with the pen). . . but should have soon enough once my mom sends them to me, a calendar, a lovely star she handmade with what seems to be cardboard and a pound of glitter . . . I love it . . . and I think that was it . . . forgive me if I've forgotten anything.
My Parents always get me wonderful gifts of course. This year I received a set of pajamas, a snuggie (if you don't know what that is, look it up. "I Shouldn't be Doing This, and Other Things That Strike Me as Funny" a book by Bob Newhart. A t-shirt with a cat face on it, a cool puzzle . . . and . . . ummm . . . I'm blanking here, that might have been all, and I feel terrible for forgetting, but they have 4 kids so i doubt they will remember either.
And Last but not least My secret Santa, some also refer to him as my brother. He picked a load of good things, My personal favorite was a Steve Carell bobblehead. But all of them were good really. There was trivial pursuit, two versions if you count the one I stole from him, several pairs of scrubs, books (some from his girlfriend, as well as recommended by her), and of course the entire series of NewsRadio.
I love all my gifts, even the ones I possibly forgot to list. SO THANK YOU. ( Just so you know, this is sort of my thank you card, so don't be expecting one in the mail).
All right, wisdom shared.
Nighty Night!
*I'm sure most of you understand me and my sarcasm well enough to know that I have not missed any work due to a television program I own on DVD.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Only 2 days 'til the big day!
Here we are again, another year gone by so quickly. I remember when I used to be excited about Christmas 3 weeks beforehand, but now, it's so much different. It all became so complicated when I got my first job 9 years ago. I miss the old days when all I was worried about was getting gifts that I liked. Now, it's all about "I hope this person likes this" and "How much have I spent so far?"
Don't get me wrong I'm still looking forward to it, but now it's mostly because I get to see my family. We all live in different cities now, so we rarely see each other. Not to mention I never seem to get that Sunday phone call anymore.
Anywho, today I leave for Ventura at 2:30ish . . . which is approximately one hour and thirty-five minutes away. I'm not looking forward to the six or seven hour drive, but on the bright side I'm not actually the one driving. Hopefully I will fall asleep for most of it. I'm really tired because I forced myself to get out of bed at 10 am this morning. I know, my life is rough. The worst part is, I recently began struggling to get out of bed at 3pm. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Don't get me wrong I'm still looking forward to it, but now it's mostly because I get to see my family. We all live in different cities now, so we rarely see each other. Not to mention I never seem to get that Sunday phone call anymore.
Anywho, today I leave for Ventura at 2:30ish . . . which is approximately one hour and thirty-five minutes away. I'm not looking forward to the six or seven hour drive, but on the bright side I'm not actually the one driving. Hopefully I will fall asleep for most of it. I'm really tired because I forced myself to get out of bed at 10 am this morning. I know, my life is rough. The worst part is, I recently began struggling to get out of bed at 3pm. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
3 truths and a lie
I read a post by a fellow blogger who wrote three true things about himself, and one lie. Then he had his readers guess which one was the lie. I haven't posted in a while so I thought I'd give it a go. Since most of you who read this know me pretty well, I will be taking things that happened to me in the last 2 weeks.
1.) I went to Target about a week ago seeking small sports balls. I am sort of in love with them now. While I was there I bought a size 1 soccer ball, and a very small football. I bet you're thinking that I played with them once and now they just sit there. Well, YOU'RE WRONG! They are TONS of fun and me and my roommates play fun games with them when we are bored.
2.) For Thanksgiving I drove to Reno, Nevada as most of you may know. On my way there I was unfortunate enough to see a dead deer on the side of the freeway. It was very very sad.
3.) Last week I decided that I must be friends with Steve Carell. I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to happen by chance, if I wanted it I was going to have to go after it, so what did I do? I'll tell you what I did. I wrote him a letter telling him why I would make a good friend. I think it will work, but only time will tell. Oh . . . by the way, if we do become good friends I will probably end up spending the Holidays at his house from now on.
4.) Finally, I bought Christmas cards about 2 weeks ago. I'm not writing a letter that will be enclosed in every one, but I am writing a personal message to all those who will be lucky enough to receive one. However, I keep procrastinating because I can't think of anything to write.
Ok, there you are. Leave me a comment telling me which one you think isn't true and why you think it isn't true. Telling me why is very important, I want to see how well you think you know me. Also, my roommates cannot guess because they probably know which one it is.
Good luck! . . . oh and the winner will get a surprise! If more than one person gets it right then it will be the first one who answered correctly.
1.) I went to Target about a week ago seeking small sports balls. I am sort of in love with them now. While I was there I bought a size 1 soccer ball, and a very small football. I bet you're thinking that I played with them once and now they just sit there. Well, YOU'RE WRONG! They are TONS of fun and me and my roommates play fun games with them when we are bored.
2.) For Thanksgiving I drove to Reno, Nevada as most of you may know. On my way there I was unfortunate enough to see a dead deer on the side of the freeway. It was very very sad.
3.) Last week I decided that I must be friends with Steve Carell. I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to happen by chance, if I wanted it I was going to have to go after it, so what did I do? I'll tell you what I did. I wrote him a letter telling him why I would make a good friend. I think it will work, but only time will tell. Oh . . . by the way, if we do become good friends I will probably end up spending the Holidays at his house from now on.
4.) Finally, I bought Christmas cards about 2 weeks ago. I'm not writing a letter that will be enclosed in every one, but I am writing a personal message to all those who will be lucky enough to receive one. However, I keep procrastinating because I can't think of anything to write.
Ok, there you are. Leave me a comment telling me which one you think isn't true and why you think it isn't true. Telling me why is very important, I want to see how well you think you know me. Also, my roommates cannot guess because they probably know which one it is.
Good luck! . . . oh and the winner will get a surprise! If more than one person gets it right then it will be the first one who answered correctly.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
My biggest pet peeve of all
"Why do you look so upset?"
"Turn that frown upside down."
"How come you never smile?"
"WHY SOOOO SERIOUS!?!"
I probably hear variations of those phrases/ questions about a hundred times a day from my co-workers. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. People constantly tell me I need to smile, or that I look really sad. I'm sooooooooooo effing (excuse my language) sick of it.
I don't know how to respond anymore. The other day somebody said it, and I told that person I was really sensitive about it. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm not a big smiler. My face looks sad because of genetics! If you've ever met my dad, you would know that he looks kind of pissed all the time. Also he looks like a turtle . . . and so does my Grandpa! (no offense dad).
Maybe from now on I should just tell people that my dog died. Sure, they'll soon start to wonder why I have so many dogs, and why they keep dying . . . but maybe eventually they will just stop asking me. . . . which is all I really want.
I know my sister gets the same question all the time too ( cough . . . genetics . . . cough) and she tells people she just has a very neutral face. I tried that for a while, but people would always say "no, it doesn't look neutral . . . it looks sad". I've also tried telling people that one day I frowned for eight hours and my face just got stuck that way. They just laugh and say "no really, what's wrong?"
Well here I am telling you what exactly is wrong. Are you ready for the answer because I really only want to tell you once. Here we GO . . . . .
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
"Turn that frown upside down."
"How come you never smile?"
"WHY SOOOO SERIOUS!?!"
I probably hear variations of those phrases/ questions about a hundred times a day from my co-workers. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. People constantly tell me I need to smile, or that I look really sad. I'm sooooooooooo effing (excuse my language) sick of it.
I don't know how to respond anymore. The other day somebody said it, and I told that person I was really sensitive about it. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm not a big smiler. My face looks sad because of genetics! If you've ever met my dad, you would know that he looks kind of pissed all the time. Also he looks like a turtle . . . and so does my Grandpa! (no offense dad).
Maybe from now on I should just tell people that my dog died. Sure, they'll soon start to wonder why I have so many dogs, and why they keep dying . . . but maybe eventually they will just stop asking me. . . . which is all I really want.
I know my sister gets the same question all the time too ( cough . . . genetics . . . cough) and she tells people she just has a very neutral face. I tried that for a while, but people would always say "no, it doesn't look neutral . . . it looks sad". I've also tried telling people that one day I frowned for eight hours and my face just got stuck that way. They just laugh and say "no really, what's wrong?"
Well here I am telling you what exactly is wrong. Are you ready for the answer because I really only want to tell you once. Here we GO . . . . .
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
My interview with Santa Clause
As some of you may remember I met the Easter Bunny last Easter. If you don't remember, just know that he came to me for career advice and has considered me his mentor ever since.
Well, as it turns out he is very good friends with Santa Clause, so he was nice enough to give me the big mans phone number.
At first Santa was none to thrilled that I called him. He said he was a busy man, especially with Christmas only being two months away. He told me he had a long list to get through and that he didn't have time for fans calling him up and interrupting his work.
I was shocked at some of the language he used as he was telling me all of this. I guess Santa gets very stressed out.
Once I could get a word in edge wise, I told him that I was good friends with the Easter Bunny. After hearing this he quickly apologized and said if I was a friend of the Easter Bunny ( AKA Fred) than I was a friend of his. Apparently, Fred helped him deliver presents the year before after he got way behind because some cheap bastards left out bad milk causing him to spend an hour with his head over the toilet . . . if you know what I mean.
Anyway, the reason I called Santa was because I needed his help. My siblings and I had decided to participate in "Operation Secret Santa 2008" and I wanted to make sure we would all be getting letters with detailed instructions of the rules and regulations. He said that he would put me on the list, but also asked me if I could take over as president of the board of directors for the project. Apparently the elf that usually runs that program received a job offer from "Keebler". It was an offer he couldn't refuse so he took it.
I was hesitant at first. I wasn't sure if I could just pick up and go to the North Pole for two months. Plus I have another job.
Santa assured me that he would work with my schedule, and that I didn't need to move to the North Pole because everything was done over the internet. He did however say he couldn't pay me due to the poor economic situation, but it would definitely look good on my resume.
I was happy to take the job. If I owe anybody anything it's Santa Clause. . . . I did however ask him for one thing . . . an exclusive interview.
He agreed, in fact he said he would love to do it. He was tired of all the rumors that were circulating about him. He wanted people to know the truth! He felt he could trust me to make sure none of his words were taken out of context.
So a few days ago I sat down with Santa Clause (via AOL instant messenger) and asked him the following questions.
Me :Thank you for joining me today Santa, lets get right to it! A lot of people out there give you a hard time because you only work one day a year, but I always tell them there is probably a lot of preparation involved. Is that true, or do you just work the one day?
Santa: Of course there's a lot of preparation involved! It's not all Milk and cookies over here! Sure, the elves do their fair share of the work, but they have to be managed. I have to make sure they all take their breaks on time, that they aren't stealing any of the toys they make . . . people see movies and they think these elves are just happy go lucky all the time, but there are problem employee's here, just like there are at any job. There is a lot of paperwork involved. I am also head of quality control, making sure the toys were not poorly made.
Not to mention the list I have to get through . . . TWICE! I don't even get the list until October 15th. Most people don't realize that they can be naughty from October 15th all the way until December 31st and I would never know about it.
Me: Does Rudolph's nose really give off enough light so you can see where you're going?
Santa: Well you have to remember, I only use him in foggy area's (Like San Francisco and Daly City), and you of all people should know that too much light in the fog can be a bad thing. So yes, his nose gives off the perfect amount of light.
Me: During my lifetime there have been a lot of questions about the whole "sliding down chimneys" as way of entrance. Is that really how you get into houses? What if they don't have a Chimney?
Santa: That's a funny story actually. One night . . . back in 1931 I think it was . . . I couldn't find my magic key, which works on every door in the world. I'm sure you can understand . . . people lose their keys sometimes you know? So anyway, I couldn't find it, but I couldn't just NOT give people their gifts. So I tried several things before actually resorting to the chimney.
I checked doors to see if they were unlocked, I tried going in through windows, I even tried just knocking . . . but nobody wants to answer their door in the middle of the night. Finally, I saw the chimney. . . and it dawned on me, maybe I could squeeze my way down there. Unfortunately, I could only get into the houses that had chimneys that year. Most people attribute the lack of gifts to the depression, but really, I had just misplaced my key. Long story short, some people saw me and took pictures. Now everyone thinks that is how I always get into every house.
Me: Wow, that is quite a story. Speaking of people seeing you . . . I used to wait up for hours hoping to run into you by the tree, but it never happened, I always fell asleep. Do you ever accidentally run into people?
Santa: Of course I do. Sometimes when I know people are still awake I have to wait on the roof for a while before landing on their front lawn. Occasionally I get lucky and they finally go to bed, but other times I just go in, do what I need to do, and before I leave I say something like, "You think I would leave you more gifts . . . I mean, it is YOUR dream." It works like 90% of the time. The other 10% of people that don't buy it tell their friends, but nobody ever believes them.
Me: Wow, so most people are pretty stupid huh?
Santa: No comment.
Me: Okay, this is a question I know everyone has wanted to ask you since they were little. . . How do you fit enough gifts for the entire world into the back of your sleigh?
Santa: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
Me: Try me.
Santa: Okay, here it goes: Have you ever seen "Honey I shrunk the kids"?
Me: Yeah sure . . . wait, you don't mea . . .
Santa: Yup . . . that movie is actually science NON-fiction.
Me: Wow! . . . Okay, well I don't want to take up to much more of your time, but I just have one last question. Do you ever get sick of Milk and Cookies?
Santa: Ho, Ho, ho, . . . Well, ever since last year, I do not drink milk! I prefer water, coffee, or red bull. As for cookies, I love them, I can't get enough . . . but Mrs. Clause doesn't let me eat them any other day of the year, so I look forward to the one night that I can eat them.
Me: Well, thank you very much for revealing some of the most unanswered questions about you today. I know you're a busy man and I appreciate the opportunity to finally sit down with you.
Santa: It was my pleasure.
Well, as it turns out he is very good friends with Santa Clause, so he was nice enough to give me the big mans phone number.
At first Santa was none to thrilled that I called him. He said he was a busy man, especially with Christmas only being two months away. He told me he had a long list to get through and that he didn't have time for fans calling him up and interrupting his work.
I was shocked at some of the language he used as he was telling me all of this. I guess Santa gets very stressed out.
Once I could get a word in edge wise, I told him that I was good friends with the Easter Bunny. After hearing this he quickly apologized and said if I was a friend of the Easter Bunny ( AKA Fred) than I was a friend of his. Apparently, Fred helped him deliver presents the year before after he got way behind because some cheap bastards left out bad milk causing him to spend an hour with his head over the toilet . . . if you know what I mean.
Anyway, the reason I called Santa was because I needed his help. My siblings and I had decided to participate in "Operation Secret Santa 2008" and I wanted to make sure we would all be getting letters with detailed instructions of the rules and regulations. He said that he would put me on the list, but also asked me if I could take over as president of the board of directors for the project. Apparently the elf that usually runs that program received a job offer from "Keebler". It was an offer he couldn't refuse so he took it.
I was hesitant at first. I wasn't sure if I could just pick up and go to the North Pole for two months. Plus I have another job.
Santa assured me that he would work with my schedule, and that I didn't need to move to the North Pole because everything was done over the internet. He did however say he couldn't pay me due to the poor economic situation, but it would definitely look good on my resume.
I was happy to take the job. If I owe anybody anything it's Santa Clause. . . . I did however ask him for one thing . . . an exclusive interview.
He agreed, in fact he said he would love to do it. He was tired of all the rumors that were circulating about him. He wanted people to know the truth! He felt he could trust me to make sure none of his words were taken out of context.
So a few days ago I sat down with Santa Clause (via AOL instant messenger) and asked him the following questions.
Me :Thank you for joining me today Santa, lets get right to it! A lot of people out there give you a hard time because you only work one day a year, but I always tell them there is probably a lot of preparation involved. Is that true, or do you just work the one day?
Santa: Of course there's a lot of preparation involved! It's not all Milk and cookies over here! Sure, the elves do their fair share of the work, but they have to be managed. I have to make sure they all take their breaks on time, that they aren't stealing any of the toys they make . . . people see movies and they think these elves are just happy go lucky all the time, but there are problem employee's here, just like there are at any job. There is a lot of paperwork involved. I am also head of quality control, making sure the toys were not poorly made.
Not to mention the list I have to get through . . . TWICE! I don't even get the list until October 15th. Most people don't realize that they can be naughty from October 15th all the way until December 31st and I would never know about it.
Me: Does Rudolph's nose really give off enough light so you can see where you're going?
Santa: Well you have to remember, I only use him in foggy area's (Like San Francisco and Daly City), and you of all people should know that too much light in the fog can be a bad thing. So yes, his nose gives off the perfect amount of light.
Me: During my lifetime there have been a lot of questions about the whole "sliding down chimneys" as way of entrance. Is that really how you get into houses? What if they don't have a Chimney?
Santa: That's a funny story actually. One night . . . back in 1931 I think it was . . . I couldn't find my magic key, which works on every door in the world. I'm sure you can understand . . . people lose their keys sometimes you know? So anyway, I couldn't find it, but I couldn't just NOT give people their gifts. So I tried several things before actually resorting to the chimney.
I checked doors to see if they were unlocked, I tried going in through windows, I even tried just knocking . . . but nobody wants to answer their door in the middle of the night. Finally, I saw the chimney. . . and it dawned on me, maybe I could squeeze my way down there. Unfortunately, I could only get into the houses that had chimneys that year. Most people attribute the lack of gifts to the depression, but really, I had just misplaced my key. Long story short, some people saw me and took pictures. Now everyone thinks that is how I always get into every house.
Me: Wow, that is quite a story. Speaking of people seeing you . . . I used to wait up for hours hoping to run into you by the tree, but it never happened, I always fell asleep. Do you ever accidentally run into people?
Santa: Of course I do. Sometimes when I know people are still awake I have to wait on the roof for a while before landing on their front lawn. Occasionally I get lucky and they finally go to bed, but other times I just go in, do what I need to do, and before I leave I say something like, "You think I would leave you more gifts . . . I mean, it is YOUR dream." It works like 90% of the time. The other 10% of people that don't buy it tell their friends, but nobody ever believes them.
Me: Wow, so most people are pretty stupid huh?
Santa: No comment.
Me: Okay, this is a question I know everyone has wanted to ask you since they were little. . . How do you fit enough gifts for the entire world into the back of your sleigh?
Santa: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
Me: Try me.
Santa: Okay, here it goes: Have you ever seen "Honey I shrunk the kids"?
Me: Yeah sure . . . wait, you don't mea . . .
Santa: Yup . . . that movie is actually science NON-fiction.
Me: Wow! . . . Okay, well I don't want to take up to much more of your time, but I just have one last question. Do you ever get sick of Milk and Cookies?
Santa: Ho, Ho, ho, . . . Well, ever since last year, I do not drink milk! I prefer water, coffee, or red bull. As for cookies, I love them, I can't get enough . . . but Mrs. Clause doesn't let me eat them any other day of the year, so I look forward to the one night that I can eat them.
Me: Well, thank you very much for revealing some of the most unanswered questions about you today. I know you're a busy man and I appreciate the opportunity to finally sit down with you.
Santa: It was my pleasure.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Court TV
Sometimes it's your only day off and you just want to relax. But what do you do when there's nothing on tv? I'm sure some of you will say, why not read a book, put in a movie, or do something productive? I will agree that these are all valid arguments, but I have already started two loads of laundry and cleaned the inside of my car.
Now, I am waiting for my laundry to be done, so I figured I'd watch a little television. I don't want to put in a movie because I have things to do later and I don't have the time. All I was hoping for was a little "Frasier", maybe an episode of "Friends", but no . . . there is nothing on that I enjoy watching. So what do I do? I leave it on the channel it was already on: "Judge Alex".
I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of engrossed in these ridiculous trials. I just want to know a few things:
Do these "Judges" have any self respect?
Do the celebrity jurors actually consider this "doing their part"?
Why are there so many of these shows . . . "Judge Judy, Judge Alex, Christina's Court . . . " are they really that popular?
Is part of the criteria for being on this show poor grammar, immaturity, and mental retardation?
And finally can you become less intelligent for watching something that is the complete opposite of intelligent?
These are just a few of the things I ponder while I watch.
Now, I am waiting for my laundry to be done, so I figured I'd watch a little television. I don't want to put in a movie because I have things to do later and I don't have the time. All I was hoping for was a little "Frasier", maybe an episode of "Friends", but no . . . there is nothing on that I enjoy watching. So what do I do? I leave it on the channel it was already on: "Judge Alex".
I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of engrossed in these ridiculous trials. I just want to know a few things:
Do these "Judges" have any self respect?
Do the celebrity jurors actually consider this "doing their part"?
Why are there so many of these shows . . . "Judge Judy, Judge Alex, Christina's Court . . . " are they really that popular?
Is part of the criteria for being on this show poor grammar, immaturity, and mental retardation?
And finally can you become less intelligent for watching something that is the complete opposite of intelligent?
These are just a few of the things I ponder while I watch.
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