My latest Crush

It's no secret that in the past I have fallen for several older men, usually of celebrity status. Luckily, they are staying in the same age range, while I continue to get older. This leads me to believe I will end up marrying a 45 year old man when I am in my mid 30's.


So here's the latest crush.




Ty Burrell, Plays Phil Dunphy on Modern Family.


I would like to sing him this song. Unfortunately, he's already married (as usual) with a kid. But hey, maybe he'll fall into the bad side of the divorce rate, I'll become famous, guest star on his tv show, and he will fall in love with me.* Yup, I definitely have a shot.

* Just so were clear, I don't want that to happen to him, I'm not that horrible. I'm just saying, if it did . . .

I'm a good driver

This is what I did one week after I moved to Naperville, 20 minutes after I got a job, and half a second after I looked down.

Brace yourself.

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That's the bad news. But let me give you all the good news to make it seem like I'm a positive person.

1.) Nobody was injured . . . aside from some uncomfortable whiplash.

2.) The Monster energy drink I bought earlier that day survived as well.

3.) The other car looks waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. ( it was my fault)

4.) It happened here and not in Nevada . . . or somewhere in between. This is considered good because my brother lives here and he can tell me what to do.

5.) I just got a replacement title.

I know there are probably a lot of questions. Especially if I'm related to you and this post is how you're finding out. Just know, that it could've been worse, and if I didn't tell you it's because I was scared to and talking about it is embarrassing. I feel like a terrible driver and the thought of ever driving again is a little terrifying.

But just to be clear: I was not drunk. I was not texting. And the job is at a restaurant.

The things you learn when driving almost cross country

Yesterday, I arrived at my brothers (now also my) apartment, after an 1860 mile drive from Sparks, Nevada to Lisle, Illinois. During that time I learned several things. I will now share those things with you in order to prepare you for a potential road trip in your future.

1. Starting an 1800 mile drive after approximately 3 hours of sleep is never a good idea. This combined with the fact that you just started your "lady time" is a recipe for disaster.

2. Trying to drive 75 miles per hour after never driving faster than 65 and usually only driving 55 mph (for the last 2 years anyway) is much more difficult than you would imagine. The reverse is also true.

3. Most of Nevada and Utah should just be declared a wasteland . . . I'd throw Wyoming and Nebraska in there too, but they're prettier so I'll leave them out of this.

4. Utah is the worst! I'm pretty sure it just used to be named Tah, but people so frequently said "F*** You Tah!" that eventually, everybody just thought it was named Utah.

5. High winds combined with several nearby salt lakes also contribute to the recipe mentioned in number 1. I have never been more scared in my life . . . including the time I drove over Donner Pass in a blizzard.

6. Road construction in other states isn't taken nearly as seriously as it is in Nevada.*

7. Half a box of cheese-its can be a meal, and you don't have to pull over to eat it.

8. Road kill happens far more than you could ever imagine. If you've ever seen roadkill and it was just a small animal that was all in one piece, consider yourself lucky . . . lucky that you didn't just see it's body, then 50 feet later, it's head . . . lucky that you didn't see a dark red color on the road and think "why did they paint this part of the road dark red, and what are all those chunks?", only to realize 10 seconds later what you were actually just looking at.

9. A good audiobook** is way more entertaining than even your bestest most favorite music. (Thanks TR!)

10. Semi's often think they are regular cars that have the right to pass other semis when driving on a 2 lane highway.

11. When you're really tired because you've been driving for 8 hours and still have eight more to go, put on a song you know the words to and sing it like you're giving a live performance.

12. Kum and go is an acceptable name for a gas station/ mini mart in several states.

13. The leading cause of bug death is head on windshield collisions. There were at least 1,000 casualties on my car alone.

14. Cleaning dead bugs off your window takes more than a little wiper fluid and a swipe of the wiper blades.

15. Some people enjoy watching the Glympse*** you sent them, while others couldn't care less.

16. The only thing worse than passing a cattle ranch, is being trapped behind a truck of cattle because there's road construction, and the highway has been reduced to one lane.

17. No matter what, the last 40 miles is more grueling than any other part of your trip . . . including the first part of Utah.


And that is my ride in a nutshell. I would like to give a special thanks to some people that made the ride a little easier.

1. My friend T.R.D. who burned me about 20 cd's so I wouldn't just be listening to all my old crap.

2. My former roommate S.P.R. who gave me all the ingredients for a Picklet (Patent Pending), as well as cookies and a gift card to subway.

3. My friend T.R. who gave me a bunch of candy and a gift card so I could buy the audiobook I was too cheap to buy on my own.

4. My sister A.S. who sent me frequent text messages updating me on my current location and letting me know how much farther I had to go.

5. My parents, for helping me get a hotel room the first night, when I couldn't figure out the Priceline application.

6. And finally, my brother and his fiancee, for letting me come live with them in the first place.

THANK YOU!

* In Nevada there's a part of the 395 that has a reduced speed limit of 55, this is due to road construction that has been going on for about a year and a half now. I rarely see any actual construction going on, yet the speed limit stays. In all the road construction I went through on my trip, the construction was usually very apparent and much scarier . . . yet the lowest speed limit was 65.

** The audiobook was Bossy Pants by Tina Fey, in case you were wondering, and it was pretty much the most perfect book I could have chosen for this particular trip.

*** Glympse is an application you can download on your phone. When used, you can send people a "Glympse" and they can track your progress. This helps people know when something might be wrong, and also gives them a better approximation of when exactly you will be arriving. It was so accurate in fact, that on my final day, my brother was able to find me on the freeway after he got off work, so that I could follow him home. Just to be clear, he wasn't already driving and was like "oh hey, Madelyn's two lanes over" . . . he had to pull over (only for about a minute though) and wait for me.

Confessions of a Candy Whore

Every year for Lent, I usually forgo the Sunday rule because I feel like it's cheating. Sure The Bible or something says it's okay, and if we're living life by some type of rule book, I suppose The Bible is the book of rules that it would be . . . but still . . . if you're going to give something up for 40 days, it should be for 40 actual days . . . right?

But candy has some kind of evil hold over me. It might very well be made by the Devil* himself. So my point is, that last Sunday I ate candy . . . like, a lot of candy. But it's not really about how much candy I ate, ( although I'm pretty sure it's more than that German kid from the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory would eat in one day) it's the fact that I ate it.

Also, I've already had some today . . . but the point is that I wanted to confess. I know you all kind of view me as some sort of Super Woman who is amazing at everything she attempts . . . and usually that is the case. However, if you ever found yourself in a situation where we had to battle each other in some sort of "to the death" type match, all you would have to do is bring a bowl of candy and set it between us. I would eat the whole thing, and you could either kill me while I was eating it (which would kind of be considered a sucker kill) or you could wait until I'm done and make me fight you on a stomach full of candy . . . and if you've ever exercised on a stomach full of candy, like I myself have . . . several times . . . you would know, that defeat would be quick, and quite embarrassing on my part.

Okay, I feel a little better. Now if you'll excuse me, I only have 12 hours of designated candy eating left.

*Should devil be capitalized? Seems like kind of a blow to the capitalization of G in God. Am I right?

Mein Kampf

Is this title inappropriate? I can't decide.

Anyway, I wanted to give you all a little update on how "MY STRUGGLE" with Lent is going. I can honestly say I've never had so much trouble with something I've given up for Lent.

I thought sugar would be like nicotine. After three days it would be out of my system and it wouldn't be nearly as difficult after that. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I long for it everyday. Every time I'm at the grocery store, I think "hey, maybe I'll get some candy" . . . because like I said before it is EVERYWHERE, and I love it. Not to mention they package it in bright pretty colors leaving me completely helpless in it's presence.

But then I am quickly reminded of the stupid mistake I made when I decided to give it up for Lent. Why couldn't I just pick going to the gym . . . or paying my bills?

Hindsight is twenty-twenty I guess.

In other news I have officially decided on my departure date . . . from Nevada that is . . . I will be leaving on the 15th of May. My brother lured me with tickets to a Brian Regan show . . . who could say no to that? Only an idiot.

That leaves me here for another month and a half. Yes, I have begun to panic. There is much to be done, and once again my laziness is severely exceeding my potential.

Lent

It's that time of year again. Just about 40 days before Easter.

Although I haven't been to church in . . . I don't know how long . . . I usually like to participate in Lent.

Why?

I think self discipline is a good practice for anyone. I also like to participate in Yom Kippur if I'm given proper notice of what date it actually falls on. Maybe it's stupid . . . I don't know. I just sort of think we live in a time and a place where everything is so easily accessible to us that if we don't deprive ourselves of some things, sometimes, we'll just end up even worse off than we already are.

For example, I work in a place where there is not an open WiFi network. Not because we don't want to be able to provide one, but because we can't provide one without effectively securing access to our . . . I'm not sure how to say this . . . private information, I guess you would call it. Which means, if we did have WiFi, people could easily hack into our computers and steal important information.

But that's not the point. The point is, every time someone asks me for the password and I tell them that we don't have open WiFi to the public, they get pissed. I think it's a little ridiculous that people can't spend an hour of their lives without internet access.

I almost wish we still lived in a time where you had to be home to receive a phone call.

Don't get me wrong, I love technology, but I wish we didn't know any better sometimes.

So anyway, this year for Lent I decided to give up my biggest weakness . . . sugar. I bet you all thought I was going to say the internet huh? Well, that wouldn't make much sense now would it? How could I possibly be writing this post if that were the case?

Now, when I say sugar, I don't mean sugar entirely . . . that would be a little ridiculous, because there is some sugar in just about everything we eat. So to be more specific, I have given up Candy, and dessert food items . . . pretty much anything that is completely sugar based. Excluding fruit of course, that would just be silly.

So far it's been 5 days and it has been extremely difficult. THERE IS CAKE AND CANDY EVERYWHERE! Especially with Easter only 35 days away. I think they put that stuff out a little bit too early.

But I'm not just talking about in grocery stores . . . there's ice cream shops, donut shops, frozen yogurt shops . . . they. are. everywhere.

Did any of you give something up for Lent?

Neglection

Apologies to my fans for lack of posts. I was doing so well after NaBloPoMo too.

Now let's get down to me and what I've been up to . . .

1.) I've officially decided to move to Naperville, IL at the end of May. I know I announced this on twitter, but I'm sure some of you have trouble looking to the right.

Ever since I made this decision I've felt a lot better about my life. Don't get me wrong, living in Nevada is great . . . if you want to go nowhere and do nothing . . . but it's time to move on. I like/ (okay I'll say Love) all the people I've met here, but just not enough to stay permanently. And let's face it, my brother needs me. His life is just one big mess without me living in the same state and I can't let that go on any longer.

I know what you're thinking and don't worry, I'm aware of the weather situation over there. I know it will be unpleasant . . . the humidity . . . there's been some talk of wind . . . and the snow. Just calm down . . . I'm aware of it. That doesn't, however, mean I won't bitch and complain when I am actually living in it.

As for what I am taking with me . . . not much. Only what will fit in my car. Frankly, I have to much stuff anyway. It's time to clean out my room and say goodbye to a lot of craft supplies that have somehow accumulated. I'm sure goodwill will be excited though.

2.) I finally had to get new rotors ( and brake pads). My brakes were making a screeching noise when I stopped and for some reason, instead of letting this continue for several weeks, I took care of it right away. It was expensive, and I'm pissed that it happened in February, because I think this month is unfair and unreasonable when it comes to paying bills, but it's taken care of . . . for the most part. Let's just hope my clutch doesn't go out before I leave too.

One thing I do enjoy is the lack of violent shaking my car used to make when I would come to a stop.

3.) I got in trouble at work. Don't worry, they already hate me there anyway . . . so nothings really changed. Apparently, they don't appreciate the forging of signatures*. Who knew? So, I was unfairly punished and it seems as though they don't like me any less than they already did.

Why don't they like me in the first place you ask? . . . I think they're intimidated by my intelligence and beauty. It may also be because I don't kiss their asses on a regular basis./ I don't know what happened, I used to be so good at kissing ass. I guess as you get older things change.

4.) My bowling team is doing better. I believe we will be in second place tomorrow. Of course, I am the only remaining original team member left.

Two of my team members moved away in November, and were replaced by the amazing "Kingpin" (as he's known on the streets of Reno) and the super sweet T.R. . . . who, has little skill when it comes to bowling, but her handicap makes up for it.

Then, at the end of December, M.N. lost his job and could no longer afford the 15 dollar weekly fee. After a month of him not showing up, we replaced him with The Kingpins mother, who is slightly better than me.

Hopefully we will finish in first place and win lots of money that will contribute to my move.

5.) I got a new phone. I was out at a bar one night, and up to no good of course, when a drunken me reached for my phone in my pocket to text someone about something, when I dropped my old phone.

Usually you can drop a phone and it will still work.

Not this time. This time it would have none of that working again nonsense.

I took out the battery and let it rest, put it back together 30 minutes later . . . but nothing. Just a stripy screen . . . the kind a broken tv might have.

I yelled at the top of my lungs "WORK PHONE! WORK! . . . I'M SORRY I DROPPED YOU, BUT WE CAN WORK THIS OUT . . .IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN" I swore. But my phone didn't care. It didn't want to be hurt again, so it just gave up.

I panicked. You can't go from having an android phone to having an old piece of crap blackberry. My contract wasn't up for another year and a half, and I didn't have insurance.

So I talked to my brother, the gadget expert. . . . he said there was no hope.

The next day I went to T-Mobile and told them my phone had stopped working for some mysterious reason ( I left out the "I dropped it" part). They said that since there was no water damage it would be covered under warranty.

HOORAHHHHHHH! OH HAPPY DAY! ETCETERA, ETCETERA!

All I had to do was call a number and tell them what happened and they would send me a new phone.

Unfortunately they didn't have my old phone in stock anymore, so they sent me an LG Optimus T.

So far I like it. It's way better than having to use my old blackberry for the next year and a half.

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And that's all I can think of . . .

* I didn't forge a signature in order to get money from someone who didn't leave me money if that's what you were thinking I would never ever do that), it was much, much much much much much X 1000, stupider than that.