Can you fit your whole fist in your mouth?! Well! Can you!?

I don't want to brag about the perks that come with my job . . . buuuuut, I get all the overly ripe bananas I want, FOR FREE.

Take that people with Health Care!

I don't eat them. I mean, I love bananas, but I have my limits.

I make banana bread with them.

Remember when your mom used to make a cake or cookies or something and she said you could lick the spoon, and if you called it in time, the bowl too? So you would sit there and watch as she put the batter in the pan, waiting patiently because you were a good kid who never complained.

But then she would scrape what seemed like every last drop into that pan and every time you thought she was done because it seemed like there was virtually nothing left to scrape, she would go in with the spatula again . . . and again . . . and again!

I did that today.

My kids are going to hate me.

I imagine they'll look something like this when I do it.

Bacon

In improv, when you are given a suggestion for a scene, for example, driving, you're not supposed to talk about the act of driving.

Example of what not to do:

Person A: This car sure does shift smoothly.

Person B: Yeah, and how great is that steering wheel!?

Those scenes are considered boring and unrealistic, because in real life, that's not what you would talk about with someone while in a car. Unless you were test driving one, I suppose.

Well, I'm sitting on my bed in my dining room room, and my brother and his wife are cooking something.

Guess what? All they are talking about is what they are doing. I can't decide if I'm bored or not.

Karen: What should I grease this pan with? Butter? Cristco?

( My thought: make statements Karen!)

Jon: Yeah, butter.

Karen: Oh no, you're hands are going to smell like Creole all day.

( My thought: nice statement Karen.)

End.

What do you think? Bored? Not bored? I know, it's not improv, it's real life, but still.

In other news, isn't my nephew handsome!?

That shirt is only seconds away from a puddle of drool.

Foot in mouth

Yeah, I know, I was supposed to post yesterday. I fell off the writing wagon. If it helps, I've gone from reading every other day, to reading every day AND, AAAANNND I'm reading 2 books simultaneously.

Don't pretend you're not impressed.

The good news is I still haven't had one of those Neuro energy drinks.

Do you think carrots would taste good with peanut butter on them?

I think they might.

By now you may have figured out I don't/ can't really think of anything to write about, and really just want to show you this picture.

The Madelyn Diet

I remembered something I meant to say in my last post, but forgot. A lot of people say they love exercise. I think that's a bunch of crap. They love how it feels when they are done exercising. Endorphins are released to cover up the exorbitant amount of pain you would be in during and after exercise. I think that says it all. Moving on.

Want to go on a diet, but don't know where to start? Looking for something extreme that will also fit your lazy lifestyle? Just follow the Madelyn Diet to a T, and you'll be shocked at how slowly but surely the weight will come off.

Some things you need to know about me:

1.) I don't like to cook

2.) I don't eat meat. Not chicken, not fish . . .  no meat whatsoever, period. So don't ask me if I want some shrimp, listen to me tell you I'm a vegetarian, and then say,"but it's shrimp". To be extra clear, I'm not a vegan, there's a difference.

3.) I don't eat bread. I know. Hardcore. That doesn't mean I don't eat carbs. I'm not completely crazy.

4.) I'm a recovering candyholic. I still have relapses from time to time. I ate a bag of skittles just the other day. I'm not perfect.

5.) I don't eat enough vegetables. I'm sorry.

That being said, here's a typical Madelyn day.

Meal 1:

Wake up, drink 16 ounces of cold water on an empty stomach. 

Eat 1 serving of vanilla greek yogurt.

Drink coffee.

Meal 2: (This usually follows a workout)

Drink protein shake.

Eat my favorite snack of all time, peanut butter, avocado and mustard. Try it, love it, thank me later.

Sometimes, I'll also eat a banana or an apple.

Meal 3:

2 Hardboiled eggs. 1 banana.

Meal 4:

Protein bar. 1 banana.

Meal 5:

More vanilla greek yogurt. 1 apple or banana, depending on my mood.

That's about it. Little to no effort involved in preparation. Eating 5 meals a day is awesome, because when you're done eating, it's only like 3 hours before you eat again. I definitely find that I overeat when I've waited too long between meals.

I get it, I'm special, somehow I can manage to eat this everyday and still like it. I don't know why.

Protein is key. It's harder to metabolize which makes your metabolism work harder and causes you to feel full longer.

If you eat meat, it's way easier to find lean protein sources to eat with every meal. Consider yourself lucky. I don't think eating meat is bad for you. I just don't do it. (Lean meats = fish, chicken)

Fruits and vegetables are a great source of low calorie carbohydrates. They are known as complex carbs. Bread is a simple carb. Those aren't great for you. They cause your blood sugar to plummet, which in turn makes you feel like you're super hungry when you're not. Fruits and vegetables are packed with fiber which is super important in any diet. Don't buy cereal that brags about having 4% of your daily fiber. That's bullshit. I mean, yeah, it has that 4% . . . but, I mean, 4%? C'mon.

What about alcohol Madelyn? I needs to have me some alcohol!

I don't drink a lot, but when I do, I drink whiskey and water. Here's why: It tastes disgusting, which causes me to drink it slower, which means I won't spend a ton of money at a bar. It's not sweet. Super sweet drinks (typically my favorite) tend to give you super bad hangovers. It also gets the job done. For me at least, but like I said, I don't drink much.

If you think my diet is ridiculous, this guy is on a total liquid diet. Which is probably why he falls asleep during play time.

Preachy

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. I've found that there's no need for this so long as you don't have health insurance. Not having health insurance also keeps the doctor away.

Either way, I eat like 2 to 3 apples a day. Apparently bananas are good for nothing, but I eat about 3 of those everyday too. They are by far, my favorite fruit.

You - Get to your point Madelyn.

Me - My point is that your body is the fanciest piece of machinery you own. The most expensive* piece of technology on this planet. Better than the iPhone 7 will be . . . maybe the 8 . . . maybe.

So take care of it.

Eat right. They** say 80% of your efforts to lose/ maintain a healthy weight come from eating right. Just because you go to the gym, doesn't mean you can eat a bag of skittles for lunch.

Exercise. Thirty minutes a day. One episode of ALF. That's all you need. It's 4% of your day.

Shower.

For the love of god, please shower.

But Madelyn, I'm over 30 . . . it's impossible to lose weight, so why bother?

Okay, you're right. I'm only 29. I'm too young to understand where you're coming from.

But here's what I've read.

As you get older, your natural muscle mass starts to deteriorate without the proper exercise regimen.

What does this mean?

This means you need to lift weights. The more muscle you have, the better your body will look/work/feel. Don't use your age as an excuse.

If someone told you they had found the fountain of youth, wouldn't you want to go there?

Well exercise is as close as it gets, so effing do it.

Side note: It's important to know and realize that when beginning a diet/ exercise program, results take time. One healthy meal won't make you skinny just like one bad one won't make you fat. Don't expect to look like a super model after a week of trying. It's going to take 6 to 8 months. That may seem like a long time, but that time will pass anyway, so like I said before, just effing do it.

Second Side note: A personal trainer can be expensive, but it's worth it if you don't know what you are doing. If you start lifting weights, but you do it improperly, you're not doing yourself any favors.

*What do you mean my body is expensive? I didn't pay anything for it. / Calculate your monthly grocery bill. See how much it would cost to replace your heart. Have a baby.

**They = my team of experts. Don't question it.

In my next post (scheduled for 2/19/2013) I'll tell you all about the "Madelyn Diet". You're probably not going to like it.


Now it's time to spice things up with a little D-Sauce.

Lent

February 13th, 2013 - Ash Wednesday. The day of the ashes, or something like that. I'm not sure on the specifics. What I do know is that it represents the beginning of Lent.

Okay, time to get real here.

Real honest that is.

I haven't attended a church service since Easter, 2010.

That's right, I don't even go on Christmas. I'm a rebel like that. Don't worry though, my parents go enough for at least me . . . maybe my other siblings too.

But back to Lent. I like to participate. I like the self discipline that's involved. #that'swhatstevesaid

So first off, I'm giving something up. Have you ever heard of Neuro? It's a delicious energy drink that I have found myself addicted to . . . on top of my morning coffee.

Don't be confused. I'm not giving up coffee or caffeine. Just this expensive, yet delicious drink that is probably no good for me. I'm on day 2, it's been rough.

Second, I am trying to read every other day. I've already started reading a book called, "The Help". Maybe you've heard of it . . . it's sort of a major motion picture now . . .  starring Emma Stone.

You - Why only every other day, lazy bones?

Well, I'm starting slow (you big judgmental jerk). I mean, it's not like I don't read every day. I read dozens of text messages/ facebook status updates on the reg, so yeah, I know how to read . . . been doing it since I was 6, but whatevs.

Thirdly, and this is another reason I'm not reading every day, I want to write every other day. On here. For all the world to see. So yeah, I think it's kind of a lot to ask to read AND write, EVERYDAY, all while no longer drinking my favorite energy drink.

Finally, and here's the best news, I will also be including a photo of my super adorable nephew in every post. Sounds like everybody's Lent just got A LOT better.