Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Madelyn Diet

I remembered something I meant to say in my last post, but forgot. A lot of people say they love exercise. I think that's a bunch of crap. They love how it feels when they are done exercising. Endorphins are released to cover up the exorbitant amount of pain you would be in during and after exercise. I think that says it all. Moving on.

Want to go on a diet, but don't know where to start? Looking for something extreme that will also fit your lazy lifestyle? Just follow the Madelyn Diet to a T, and you'll be shocked at how slowly but surely the weight will come off.

Some things you need to know about me:

1.) I don't like to cook

2.) I don't eat meat. Not chicken, not fish . . .  no meat whatsoever, period. So don't ask me if I want some shrimp, listen to me tell you I'm a vegetarian, and then say,"but it's shrimp". To be extra clear, I'm not a vegan, there's a difference.

3.) I don't eat bread. I know. Hardcore. That doesn't mean I don't eat carbs. I'm not completely crazy.

4.) I'm a recovering candyholic. I still have relapses from time to time. I ate a bag of skittles just the other day. I'm not perfect.

5.) I don't eat enough vegetables. I'm sorry.

That being said, here's a typical Madelyn day.

Meal 1:

Wake up, drink 16 ounces of cold water on an empty stomach. 

Eat 1 serving of vanilla greek yogurt.

Drink coffee.

Meal 2: (This usually follows a workout)

Drink protein shake.

Eat my favorite snack of all time, peanut butter, avocado and mustard. Try it, love it, thank me later.

Sometimes, I'll also eat a banana or an apple.

Meal 3:

2 Hardboiled eggs. 1 banana.

Meal 4:

Protein bar. 1 banana.

Meal 5:

More vanilla greek yogurt. 1 apple or banana, depending on my mood.

That's about it. Little to no effort involved in preparation. Eating 5 meals a day is awesome, because when you're done eating, it's only like 3 hours before you eat again. I definitely find that I overeat when I've waited too long between meals.

I get it, I'm special, somehow I can manage to eat this everyday and still like it. I don't know why.

Protein is key. It's harder to metabolize which makes your metabolism work harder and causes you to feel full longer.

If you eat meat, it's way easier to find lean protein sources to eat with every meal. Consider yourself lucky. I don't think eating meat is bad for you. I just don't do it. (Lean meats = fish, chicken)

Fruits and vegetables are a great source of low calorie carbohydrates. They are known as complex carbs. Bread is a simple carb. Those aren't great for you. They cause your blood sugar to plummet, which in turn makes you feel like you're super hungry when you're not. Fruits and vegetables are packed with fiber which is super important in any diet. Don't buy cereal that brags about having 4% of your daily fiber. That's bullshit. I mean, yeah, it has that 4% . . . but, I mean, 4%? C'mon.

What about alcohol Madelyn? I needs to have me some alcohol!

I don't drink a lot, but when I do, I drink whiskey and water. Here's why: It tastes disgusting, which causes me to drink it slower, which means I won't spend a ton of money at a bar. It's not sweet. Super sweet drinks (typically my favorite) tend to give you super bad hangovers. It also gets the job done. For me at least, but like I said, I don't drink much.

If you think my diet is ridiculous, this guy is on a total liquid diet. Which is probably why he falls asleep during play time.

No comments: